Coffee, Flat White and Pinch Cups 

Lunchtime and two colleagues and myself nip across the road to the cafe (not the same one as earlier). I ask what they want ‘A tea’ said one, yep ok and the other said ‘A flat white’…Pardon… ‘A flat white’. Thinking I have not heard her correctly I repeat ‘A flat white’. ‘Yes ‘ she says……… A flat white what’? I replied…. ‘A flat white coffee’… (What the hell is that?). She points to the chalkboard, it says flat white. (Ok so I am not as cosmopolitan as I think and immediately decide I am going to try one as well). ‘I want mine with soya’ she says (oh for god sake when did ordering bloody coffee get so confusing). My turn comes ‘I would like a tea, a flat white with soya and a flat white’ (yes did it!) looking smug I go to sit down and await my drink. (I like trying new things) The waitress places all three drinks on our table and I look at mine, it’s a coffee and nothing flat about it. I was slightly disappointed as I thought I was being adventurous. Then I noticed….. What the hell had they done to the handle? It’s a cup with a handle but you can’t put your finger in the little hole to hold the handle it’s far too small (maybe that’s why they call it flat), so I look at my friends cup and her handle is normal, so I look at the cup with the tea and that is normal. What is going on. By this time my friends notice that I am being extremely attentive to all the cups and ask what is the matter. I exclaim ‘Look, look’. They look at my cup then look at each other and one says ‘What’?. I have a deformed cup, I can’t use it it has no hole. They look and burst out laughing.

I start looking round at the other tables to see if anyone else has a cup like it. No no one does. A waitress comes over and asks if everything is alright. ‘No, I have a deformed cup’ and point at the handle. I continue ‘Their cups are ok. She looks at all three cups and touches my cup handle and then knowingly announces ‘It is a pinch handle cup’ (A what?), ‘You pinch the handle to pick it up’ (well how bloody stupid is that!). She smiles and walks away leaving us looking at the ‘pinch handle’. Flat whites and pinch handles….what a load of old shit!

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