Out Of Control

The hardest part of writing this was how to start it. There is no easy way, there is no painless way there is only one way. Just over two months ago I had to say farewell to one of my chicks, who left this world, and headed to everlasting life and to be with our Lord. The pain of losing a child is painful, shocking, devastating and unbearable. The emotional rollercoaster is an extremely hard journey to go on, but I have no other choice. The control had been taken away from me and I was left in the most raw and fragile state I have ever known. My confidence went in an instant, the fog descended, decision making became impossible, appetite disappeared and I entered my bubble world.

I won’t go into every detail as my recall of events over the last 10 weeks have been hazy to say the least. The first week and a half I spent sedated on some tablets from the doctor. I felt very numb but could just function. Coming off them was three days of meltdown and whilst dealing with my grief I had many other things to sort that accompanies the loss. Family, friends, finances and the funeral all needed my focus and I went on my journey into unknown territory along with my broken heart.

After the funeral I made the decision to return to work on reduced hours, a decision my doctor supported. In my fragile, forever changed world, I wanted to cling onto something familiar. So after four weeks and still in my rollercoaster state I went back to work.

I am just over 10 weeks into my journey, yet it feels like so much longer, during the weeks I have struggled along in my bubble taking it day by day, and sometimes hour by hour. This type of grief is cruel as it never goes away and suddenly rises up and engulfs you like a tsunami. You can do nothing about it, sometimes it completely knocks you over, sometimes you keep standing but wobbly and sometimes you hold firm and silent tears appear and slowly fall.

When you are in this vulnerable state you look for answers, How long does this pain last? What do I do? How do I go on? So many questions and no answers. I joined Facebook groups looking for guidance, I researched about grief stages only to find that this grief is so very complex and individual, there isn’t a right or wrong way to be. Now this isn’t very helpful because it’s natural to want to know what to expect, what do people do, how do they overcome. You have violently entered a new world where everything is so fragile and a world in which you have no control.

In looking for guidance I came across other parents that had entered very dark places and were keen to say that this is where they will stay. That their life is over and they merely exist. I found this frightening and depressing, the more I looked the worst it got. I then took things into my own hands and 2 weeks ago I decided that I would break out of my bubble and go away to stay with some dear friends, in the hope that I would try and find my own answers.

So I packed for Spain with a mission of attempting to try and take back control of my life.

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