How can I best describe this last year… probably the best description is to say ‘It’s complicated’.

In my opinion, the 5 stages of grief is a myth when you are dealing with the loss of a child. It’s more like 50 stages and some, in no particular order, continually replaying on a never ending loop.

After the worst 12 months I look back and am shocked that I was so naive, shocked that I could survive such pain, shocked that my life changed in an instant and I am still in a state of shock. Even now I am constantly questioning myself and if I can survive this.

Is it the first thing I think of when I wake up…Yes.

Is it the last thing I think of before I go to sleep…Yes.

The loss, the confusion, the anger, the disbelief, the tears, the fog, the heartache, the pain, the devastation, the memory loss, these are just some of the things that comes with this complicated grief.

I was desperate to be told what to do, how to cope. I looked for books on the internet, I searched for support groups and then I found some on-line groups for grieving mothers.

After spending hours reading their posts, each of them suffering, each of them at different stages on their journey of loss, I realised that my suffering would never end, my life would never be the same again and I would never get ‘over’ this.

If I was to survive the loss of my son I would need to find enough strength, resilience, endurance, tolerance, mental toughness, adaptability and motivation.

The rest of my life will be like Running A Marathon.