I can hardly believe that we will soon be heading back to the UK and our time here in the campo is ending. As I sit on the terrace looking towards the mountain range I see in the distance airplanes making their descent towards Malaga Airport, and I smile at the familiar far off rumble they make. The dogs contently wander around the olive grove appreciating the cooler evening temperatures and the outdoor lights twinkle on the swimming pool.
It is going to be so hard leaving this Casa which has become, not only a home, but a place of reflection, a place of renewal and a place of peace. Our time here has flown by and the good days have outweighed the bad. I have been lucky to be able to take the time away to try and figure out what I need to do.
The journey I am on is, in my opinion, like the Spanish roads, bumpy. You go along for a little while and all is fine and then you hit a hole in the road, sometimes you see it and sometimes you don’t, and wham, you struggle to gain control. My mind is very similar to bumpy roads, and will forever be churning up memories, sometimes when I think about them and sometimes out of the blue, either way I struggle to gain control. Not because I don’t want to think of my son, purely because my mind still can’t seem to deal and process this devastating loss. Yes it’s been 15 months and to me it feels like yesterday, my mind seems to be unable to stop going over things, wondering, disbelieving, trying to make some sense of it, but still it keeps on, like a film constantly replaying in my mind, flashbacks of the accident photographs, it feels like my mind is a demon intent on torturing me.
In the beginning I was desperate to know how to deal with this all consuming grief and was mortified when told by other grieving mothers year 2 is worse than year 1, I didn’t understand, I didn’t believe it could get worse, but unfortunately I found that it has, the fog does lift and you are left with not only reality but I am starting to notice that everyone is moving on and I seem to be stuck, desperately clinging to the past, holding on to it because the future does not include my son.
I am at a stage where I can no longer look at his pictures without feeling distraught, I am hoping this phase will go and I at some point I will be able to. I am unable to celebrate his life because I can’t yet come to terms with the loss.
So has this time away helped, Yes and No. Yes I needed to stop and take some time away as I had been close to falling apart and coming here stopped that happening. And No it doesn’t take away the pain of this situation and it doesn’t change what has happened but it has quietened my demon mind.
Had I not come here I could of quite easily of given up but the beauty of my surroundings, the mountains, the lakes, the sea, the people and the way of life has helped me re evaluate everything. I have fundamentally changed, my priorities have shifted, I am able to truly empathise, I have a greater understanding of the value and fragility of life. More importantly I realise that I have been blessed and I am thankful.
Are you confused? Yes this took me time to work out too. In the beginning I couldn’t understand why him, why our family, it’s not fair, what had I done to deserve this? But of course I hadn’t done anything this wasn’t about me and my family. When something like this happens you try and find answers but you won’t find them because believe it or not families every day throughout the world suffer loss and pain and it’s not because they have done anything wrong, it’s life. After losing my son in a car accident I homed into reading any news about car accidents and was astonished to found out how many young people are killed in this way, and the more I read and listened to other grieving mothers astounded at the amount of deaths of young people to suicide, murder, drug overdose and illness.
Life is fragile and life is for living and for every day I am thankful. I am thankful that I was blessed with children, I am thankful that I was blessed with five healthy sons, I am thankful that I am a mother, I am thankful that I have been given time with them.
So as we start to pack up, I know that this road will forever be bumpy and to survive I will try to cushion those bumps as best I can….