Falling Apart – Again

We arrived home early September 2018 and as we drove on the M4 it got worse, the closer to home, the more agitated I got. The triggers appeared followed by the flashbacks, by the time we reached home I was refusing to get out of the car, my mind wasn’t coping, I wasn’t coping, I had retreated back to the early days and for the next month that’s where my mind stayed.

Visits to the doctors and assessments identified that I was suffering from PTSD. It wasn’t much of a surprise as I knew that I had been struggling I just didn’t realise the impact on returning to my home, the memories, the reminders, the triggers and flashbacks would have such catastrophic consequences.

In hindsight my sabbatical had just put on hold the fall out that I was to experience. Medication was needed along with additional support. I was so annoyed with myself that I had got so far and then literally came apart, everything started to unravel. Confusion, insomnia, flashbacks, anger and the withdrawal from the world set in.

I could still function, and did a good job of hiding the horrors that played out in my mind, distraction was welcome and I could only cope with simple tasks and easily would react to the slightest thing in a disproportionate way. Whilst awaiting referral for treatment it was decided that for my health that I go away again, as I could no longer drive on any roads that had a lay by, I could no longer go out by myself to local places..the memories, the triggers, the flashbacks were too much.

Soon I will start specialist trauma therapy, assessments in November and treatment in December. I can only hope that EMDR will help me.

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