Fog, fog and fog. Yes I still live in the fog. Three months in and it’s still intense, it’s still unbelievable, but there has been a fundamental change. In the early months there was lots to do, lots to arrange and friends and family were around.

Now it’s a lot quieter, people return to their lives, people move on, its what happens. And that’s the difference that doesn’t happen for a grieving mother, it just doesn’t, a mother can’t move on, a mother can’t forget. Now the lonely journey begins.

The nitty gritty, the real life comes into play, it interrupts the grieving with its constant demands. In my case I had to sell my sons house. I had to deal with estate agents, solicitors and a range of other people. Whilst I didn’t want to do it, I knew at the back of my mind I had to, I had to sort it out for my son, I had to go through the process, it was the only thing I could do.

When I lost Anton my world changed, and I will never be able to go back to the life I had. This is confusing for others because people believe that ‘time heals’, you will ‘move on’, but this doesn’t happen in child loss, the mother is forever a mother and once a child is lost, part of the mother is lost. I will never ever be the same person I was.