The fog is still with me and now I was fast approaching ‘The Firsts’. The first Halloween (Anton loved handing out the treats), the first Bonfire Night, the first birthday without him, the first remembrance parade and the six month anniversary of losing him. As Anton was in the Navy I was used to him not being around for all the different holidays, and used to him being away for long periods, but knowing that I would never ever be able to spend another day with him took my breath away and still does.
After six months of devastation, lack of sleep, raw emotion and exhaustion I decided to visit my son in Houston, I knew I couldn’t run away from the pain but maybe a change would help.
I arrived in Thanksgiving week, so immediately it was a busy time, I met new people, travelled to new places, sampled different foods (I have a liking for Mexican food and Margaritas) however, can honestly say Corn Dogs are revolting! Being over there allowed a temporary escape from all ‘the triggers’ that occur in the UK, it made it easier for that short period of time.
It was good spending time with my son and daughter in law and it made me realise that I have to survive this for my family. I returned home a bit more confident.
I arranged the Christmas and New Year festivities and pulled it off, I cracked a few times but on the whole did ok.
We never go out New Years Eve and spend it at home with the dogs, so I wasn’t expecting to fall apart that day. Up until recently I had been looking forward to saying goodbye to the worst year ever, but as it drew to a close I panicked, I realised that Anton would forever be in 2017 and it felt that I would be leaving him behind, the tears came in a never ending torrent. 2017 would forever be a ‘trigger’.