Triggers, reminders call them what you will, they have the ability to appear out of nowhere and completely floor you, they can take your breath away, make you feel faint and make you cry. Sometimes you can ride them, sometimes you can’t. So what is a trigger?

For me it can come in many guises, it can be watching the weather forecast on TV and the town on the map where the accident happened will be on the screen, seeing anyone dressed in military uniform, seeing the same car he drove, going to his house (that’s the big one), going to shops we went to together, going anywhere in our town, passing his school, going to the local train station I used to take him to, a song on the radio, touching his clothes and the list goes on and on….

One trigger I wasn’t inspecting came on New Years Eve, for some time I had thought I wanted 2017 to finish, I hated 2017. But when it got closer panic ripped through me and the realisation of I would be going into 2018 without Anton and it felt like I would be leaving him behind….